


never look at you the same way

by MementoMoriPontifexMortis



Series: My H/C_Bingo Prompts [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulbond, Barney Barton Feels, Child Abuse, Clint Barton Feels, Community: hc_bingo, F/M, I should really sleep instead of writing, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, M/M, Multi, Natasha Romanov Feels, Please make sure that you listen to the tags, Sexual Abuse, Sibling Incest, Since there are some pretty uncomfortable things in here, The Barney/Clint/Natasha thing is more implied right now, just a lot of feels, okay, then actually being a thing, though is a warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:06:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4505313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MementoMoriPontifexMortis/pseuds/MementoMoriPontifexMortis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn't want to, he never wanted to, but he did and now, it's out there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never look at you the same way

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TinyTeddy878](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyTeddy878/gifts).



> Barney's story from my story, "not enough wars". All the mistakes are my own, and I apologize for them. 
> 
> For the hc_bingo square, "telepathic trauma" - at least I hope this is telepathic trauma, I'm not completely sure. 
> 
> (Also, here are how I imagine Barney, Clint and Natasha to look [age-wise is completely up to the reader, but I don't imagine any of them younger than 18 during this story]:  
> [Barney](http://i3.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article5157216.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/Sean-Slater-Rob-Kazinsky.jpg)  
> [Clint](http://media.nj.com/entertainment_impact/photo/15957278-large.jpg)  
> [Natasha](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/h_Fc7gfa47c/maxresdefault.jpg)

“To survive one tragedy was to learn you cannot survive them all, and this knowledge was both a freedom and a great loss.” - Chris Womersley, Bereft

* * *

Barney's too young to understand it, but Daddy leads him down to the basement, where he plays his poker games with his friends, and then he undresses him as if he's going to give him a bath. Though there isn't anywhere down here to bathe, so Barney doesn't understand it, and he tells his Daddy so.

Daddy slaps him 'cross the face and tells him, "Don't talk, 's bad enough you've forced me to do this."

It's another thing his Daddy says that he doesn't understand in a long line of things like that. But Barney, being the good boy he is, just nods his head and lets Daddy lead him to a cot in the corner of the room where he's forced to sit. He doesn't even get any attention paid to him when Daddy's friends come over.

Only looks.

But since no one is paying attention to him, Barney lets himself fall into a daydream. It's one he has many times, where he and Momma and Clint are living on the farm alone, Daddy's at work and he's no longer drinking, and they're happy. But the moment he gets to the moment where Momma and Daddy are hugging, Barney notices that the Sheriff is looking at him with weird eyes. He's got his cards in his hands and he's got everyone but Barney fooled into thinking he's paying attention to the game. He wants to curl into himself, hide his nakedness, but he knows that if he moves, Daddy might start paying attention to him again.

So he goes still, stiller than he was before.

The game goes on forever though, and for a moment, Barney feels like he doesn't have to worry. That is until Daddy makes a low comment, one too low for Barney to hear, and the rest of the table laughs. It causes Barney to bit his lip and bring his legs up to his chin, the little movement does bring attention to him, not enough though for him to be honestly scared of retaliation.

He's never been this scared, and he doesn't even know what's going to happen. He's too young to understand.

Barney ends up falling asleep on the cot, his head hits the wall first as his body leans backwards. The hit doesn't exactly wake him up, just slightly jolts him enough that he opens his eyes and checks to make sure he's not under attack. Once he figures that no one is coming at him, Barney lets his head lean against the cold brick wall and he falls back into his doze. He's been waiting down here forever, and not only is he really cold from having no clothes, he's really hungry.

"Alright, gentlemen, last hand." Is said somewhere far away but Barney can't pay attention anymore. Sleep is beckoning.

It feels like only minutes later he's woken up to the weight of someone climbing on top of him, and normally, Barney can easily tell when someone is nearby, so the fact that he had no idea that someone managed to get close enough to basically lean on him, worries the young kid.

"Shh," The weight says, a quiet voice too low to know who it is, "It's okay."

Somehow, it doesn't feel like it's going to be okay, Barney thinks as the weight begins to kiss him on his neck. He doesn't like the game and he uses his hands to try and push the person away, but the other man is too strong. He can hear more breathing in the darkened room, but can't see anyone. It scares him.

"Stop!" Barney yells, his voice echoing in the room, and he hears laughter. The laughter from the poker table haunts him and in his young mind, he can only think that if they're laughing, that means his Daddy had to have been injured or something.

"Fiesty," The weight on top of him says, hands wandering, "I like it."

Barney feels sick and scared and he's worried about his Daddy, but still calls for him, hoping that Daddy's friends hadn't hurt him. Though, all there is is more laughter and the hands grab his arms and yanks them to rest pretty uncomfortably in one of the weight's big hands. Barney still struggles, the best he can do given his size, and he's proud of himself for managing to get a hand free long enough to hit the person in the face.

Even though he gets hit, hard across the face back, Barney still doesn't stop fighting. He's learned that. Don't stop hitting until they stop hitting you. You gotta outlast people. But he doesn't think he can outlast these people though, because they hit like trucks, and trucks hurt.

There's a lot of pressure in places that Barney doesn't like, and he voices it, knowing that he's going to get hurt but instead he just gets kissed by the weight. He kicks out, makes contact with someone and ends up getting smacked again. He doesn't care though, can't force himself to.

"Daddy!" He cries as he hurts more, something stabbing him and he squirms, hoping the pain will go away. It doesn't, in fact it seems to grow as the weight makes their palms meet, and kisses him over and over again. There's a burning feel, one he's never felt before and the weight grunts and groans and makes more noises like Clint does when he eats ice cream, before more kisses and a weird feeling in Barney's head.

The weight stops moving, goes almost limp on top of him (which just makes it heavier), breathing heavily. Barney hurts everywhere, a lot and he wants his Momma to be here to comfort him. He also wants to know what he did that caused these person to be so mad at him that they hurt him worse than Daddy has ever.

And then it hits, harder than ever, a pain that makes him grab at his skull, his hands digging into his short red hair. He's felt pain before, had Daddy hit him with a pot, or with the broom, or something hard, but never before has his skull felt like this. It feels like it's bursting and it scares Barney, scares him more than the fear of that weight deciding it wants to hurt him again like it did. The young child curls into himself as well as he can with the weight upon him, and cries.

Inside his mind is someone breaking everything, just going around with a sledge hammer and attacking. It cuts, making everything feel like he's dying, and it makes him want to scream. No one comforts him, instead there's more hands and weights upon him while he screams and cries and wonders what is going on. He can feel a person wandering around his brain, just playing with everything, causing scary pictures to show up and scare him. Pictures of little boys like himself lying in beds and cots like the one he is, doing things that aren't fun looking.

He hears the person trampling through his brain and thoughts, taking things and putting new things there, and it reminds Barney of the time when he was in trouble with his Daddy for spilling his drink on the floor and his Daddy wouldn't stop hitting him since Momma was gon' with Clint to a Doctor's appointment and he had to keep running 'til he found somewhere safe. Only problem was that this was in his mind, there wasn't anywhere safe. The person keeps placing things in there that are hurting him, causing him to want to stop moving and it takes all that Barney has to keep fighting. He's the one teachin' Clint not to stop fighting, even though his little brother is still basically a baby.

Finally all the hands leave besides one set, "Don't worry, little boy, the pain will stop." A voice beside his ear says, but Barney can't pay any attention to it, it sounds like it's miles away, and he's under water. Instead, all he can pay attention to is the movement in his brain, the way the hands touch at everything, turning even the most happiest moments in his life - when Clint was born, when Momma told him the story of Cinderella, when she explained that one day he'd be happy with the person of his choosing because that person would be nice and be right for him, when Clint first said he loved him - into black tinted nightmares. They had become tainted, being touched by this person, and it hurt Barney.

He can't see his Daddy but he knows that if he did, that he'd be yelling, red in the face, and threatening to hit him hard.

The person in his brain laughs at that thought, and reaches out to touch it, but Barney's quick and in his mind he pulls everything back. Just yanks it. His mind is reeling and everything is gone but the person who sneers at him.

Of course, this is about the time he wakes up, sweating and freaked out, sandwiched between Clint and Tasha, who both were having issues with their bond. They had been terrified when they woke up after having the same dream, one of the ones that Natasha had hidden in her brain, and the feelings that had come from it had yet to fade. So, he opted to sleep near them, or in the same room, but then Tasha had explained how she felt weird around Clint, almost as though he would hate her for all that she's done, and Barney, though not completely, could understand where she was coming from. Which led to this.

"Barney?" Natasha asks from her side of the bed, "Are you okay?" She doesn't have much worry lacing her tone but she's only been out of that soul-sucking hell-hole for less than 6 months, so he doesn't blame her.

He nods his head then remembers that it's still pitch black out. "'m fine." He mutters, rubbing a hand over his face. She moves slightly so he can get out of the bed, which he does so as softly as possible so not to wake Clint. Though, that is near impossible not to do since his brother has been the easiest person he's ever known to wake up - hell he even beats Natasha in 'someone's-in-the-room-i-know-it-let-me-wake-up-in-a-jolt' competitions they have whenever he checks on them. "Jus' gon' get some fresh air."

He's outside for less than a minute when he can feel the probing in his mind. It makes no sense, he's not a child any longer so there shouldn't be no more desire to stalk him. But there is, Barney thinks darkly, for some sick reason he's still being followed.

"Barn?" Clint asks, one of Natasha's overly large sweater-coats on his shoulders and a worried look on his face.

Barney looks away, his eyes trained to look out at the darkened world and automatically know what's out there. But does he? He couldn't save himself from being bonded, and then he couldn't save Clint or Natasha from it either. What if they try to rely on him during one of the jobs they do occasionally? He'd end up with them getting hurt, and he can't let them get hurt.

"Yeah, Clint?" Barney finally answers and Clint lets the worry sit on the edge of his mind. It won't leave, can't leave, but at least it won't be forefront and center.

Clint moves to sit down next to his brother, a hand reaching out to grab Barney's. They've always been close, always known what the other was feeling, but right now, it feels as if Barney is on a different planet. "Do you want to talk about it?" He feels like those words should be a floodgate, but they aren't.

They've never been when Barney is involved.

"Barney," Clint starts after a few minutes of watching his brother stare out at the black, "You can't jus' ignore me like when we were kids." He'd have moments where all he'd do is stare out at the world, a blank look on his face and nothing would snap him out of it, unless Clint got hurt and Clint does not want to get hurt right now. His mother would tell him that Barney was just lost in a world of his own and to leave him alone since it was normal, but Clint grew up while in the circus, he knows that this isn't normal.

"Clint," Natasha joins them outside, bringing three cups of steaming hot chocolate - their mother's recipe that Barney had taught her - on a platter. She stares at Barney, who takes his cup with a silent nod. She's a little unnerved by this too, Clint can tell, since she frowns in such a small inpercivable way.

"Tasha," He greets her, taking his own cup, "Did we wake you?"

She nods, "Yeah," She turns back to Barney and moves to sit on his other side.

Clint watches his brother, sees how he just slightly tightens up and he knows that Natasha notices that as well but says nothing. His brother though, doesn't move besides that little movement, only ignores them. How can he pretend they aren't there?

"Barney, are you jus' gonna ignore us instead of talking like adults." Clint asks, his tone getting more aggravated. Natasha glares at him, her green eyes burning at him while the voice of her in his head tells him not to push his brother.

 _ _'i know what i'm doing!'__   Clint argues, _ _'i've been with him longer, i know his buttons.__

"You two aren't adults though, " Barney says after a moment, "You're just big kids." He's not saying it in a bad tone, so Clint doesn't get why he gets all offended but something in him snaps.

(After all that's happened, the fact that his brother still wants to treat him like he's a kid is probably the main cause).

"You have no right to call me that, not after what I did for you!" He yells, offering a quick, mental _'sorry'_ to Natasha. "I mean, I'm bonded!"

Barney says nothing, just looks down in something akin to shame and guilt, a mixture of pain that causes Clint to want to apologize, but that's not how these arguments go. Ain't never been.

"Do you know what kind of person bonds at my age; ones with kids on the way and people who are being shotgunned into to. Guess which one I am Barney, because me and Nat sure as hell don't have kids on the way. " Clint surges upwards, his anger a burning bubble in his stomach. In the six months since they ran from Jacques and Buck and the Red Room, Clint hasn't once mentioned his entire thoughts on this whole relationships since it wouldn't seem fair. He's not the only one that's been uprooted, Natasha has too but with his brother acting like a complete and utter jerk he can't help but to pour out all his emotions.

"I mean come on Barney, you can't honestly think that we're still kids. Natasha herself is a trained assassin, and we were on the fast track on becoming hired thugs - which we might've already been!" His breaths are coming faster and his hands are quick to revert to sign language, them going through the signs he knows the best over and over again. "I'm not a baby that you have to protect any more, I can protect myself!"

"'Cuz of me!" Barney scoffs, not even looking up. It's an insult, something their dad did and it used to piss Clint the fuck off. It was one of those things that caused Clint to go off.

"Are you not even going to look at me?" Clint yells, glaring his blue-grey eyes at his older brother, "I mean, are you really going to act like Dad?"

Barney lifts his eyes, the blue almost steel-like in their coldness, and he quietly says, "What the fuck did you just say?"

Now, Clint's never been able to pick his battles, it's one thing that Barney always used to complain about, so it's nothing new for Clint when he gets sideswipped by a fist for repeating what he just said. He's gotten into fights before with his brother, but never before has Barney gone at him with hate in his eyes. Natasha must notice this, because she stands up and tries to get inbetween them at every opening. He wants to tell her to back off, to not get in the way since this is between him and Barney, but instead all his thoughts are on his anger. On how he feels slighted by not knowing what is wrong with his brother. She manages to step inbetween them for a second but it doesn't last, Barney hits like a truck, and when he's mad - like Clint - he doesn't stop hitting.

They move back and forth, attack and getting dirty when Clint finally pulls back, Barney sitting across from him, wiping blood off of his nose. Clint looks worried, but it's his brother, he always looks worried when it comes to him and his emotions. Maybe because for so long, Barney hid them, Natasha doesn't really know, but she knows that she's got to make sure that they don't go back at each other.

So she moves to stand right inbetween, trusting them enough to not attack while she's there.

Clint stares at her, a million questions runs through his thoughts and into her mind, causing a huge headache to appear out of nowhere. She gasps lightly cause she's not used to the pain yet and grabs at her head which causes Barney to jump up, apparently brought out of his bad mood because he's gently leading her back into the cabin, whispering sweet endearments to her. He always does this when overloads happen, which they do because neither Natasha nor Clint know how to control the flow. She scrunches up her face as she feels Clint pull away from her, and she watches him from the corner of her eyes.

"What?" He asks, still angry.

Natasha frowns, "Why don't you just ask?" She questions.

Clint looks to where Barney is wandering around the kitchen, getting things for something quick to snack on. He's got this look of yearning, something that Natasha doesn't fully understand and so she opens her mouth. "Why are you against bonding?" is spoken before Clint can stop her.

"I'm not -"

"Don't lie to me." Natasha says, her voice sharp and her eyes cold. She's gone through too much, too quickly for one of the few people she knows - does she really know him or is their bond formed by the memories that Clint has given her? - to lie to her so blatently.

Barney looks down, his blue eyes darkened by an emotion in his eyes. "I'm Bonded." He answers after a few minutes of cold, harsh silence, which is immediately followed by the same exact thing.

"What?" Clint asks, his tone incredulous, and she understands. They've been with him for so long, for the six months, giving him their trust and their love and the fact that he has a bonded person, someone who - wait.

"Clint has no memory of you ever bonding or being close enough to a person to bond." Natasha says, cutting through the silence.

Barney stares at the cup of hot chocolate he has that has gone cold and Natasha's blood runs like ice. Clint's thoughts have gone silent, and she knows that her words have hit them both. Has hit her. She moves her cup away from her, ignoring both Clint and Barney's facial expressions and looks down. She doesn't understand why everything suddenly hurts.

Natasha brings a hand up to her mouth to cover it and she can feel the tears burning at her eyes, and she knows that if she was back at the Red Room - No, she doesn't haven't to go back there, ever so no more thinking about it. Her eyes well up and she can just barely make out Barney wanting to reach out to hold her but he doesn't. He stops himself. Clint gets up and hits his hands on the wall, and Natasha feels the pain of it.

She hisses as she feels the breaking of all the happy memories that Clint has and then she settles, pushes her own memories - the ones she knows will hurt - onto Clint, just to get him to stop punching things. He groans as they hit, and Barney glares at both of them as they start a war of pushing horrifying thoughts and words and memories onto each other.

"Can you two act your age?" Barney growls, and Natasha looks down.

"Why did you never -?"

Barney cuts her off, "What? Report him? Tell someone?" His voice sounds hoarse and angry, dripping with venom and shame. "No one would've cared, no one would've believed me."

"I would've." Clint says, looking up from his spot on the floor where he collasped on. "I would've believed you if you had told me."

Barney smiles sadly, "I know and that's why I never told you," His blue eyes have a fond look in them, "I never wanted to burden you."

Clint nods his head as if he understands and maybe he does, he's not like Natasha, he knows his emotions. Though he doesn't know how to express them, he knows what he feels, knows why he feels it. She knows that because he's been trying to teach her them. Barney has too.

"Can we kill this person?" Natasha asks, her voice cold and empty.

Barney shakes his head, "No, if you do there's a chance that the trauma it causes could render me brain dead."

Natasha nods, taking in this information and then speaks, "Okay." She sips more of her cold cocoa and then continunes, "Is - are you being followed?"

Barney nods, but says nothing.

They sit in silence, a not-comfortable but not awkward silence that feels slightly suffocating and Natasha feels like she's intruding. She knows she shouldn't, she's basically family with what they do with each other but there's a feeling of not-belonging here that seems to overwhelm her. She's not sure completely if it's her own feeling or if it's something she's gets from Clint but it scares her. An honest fear that she was sure that the Red Room had gotten rid of - of not belonging.

"I'm sorry." Barney says after a few moments and Natasha wants to laugh.

So she does.

(Clint's a bad influence on her, she's sure of it).

Clint looks at her and Barney looks down and she just continues laughing. "Why are you sorry?" She asks as soon as her laughter dies, "You are a victim, like Cint and I. You did not want to bond, you were forced."

(Barney doesn't see it like that, not as simple as that. He feels as if he should've been able to protect himself. He feels as if he should've fought his father and his decisions in order to stay clean).

"It had to have been when you were kid," Natasha continues, her voice deceptively calm as though she wasn't just hysterically laughing a second ago. "Before Clint can remember, before his mind could work right. You are not to blame."

(Those are the same words that Clint has whispered to her during the night when their nightmares hit harder than usual. Those are the words that have become common place here in this safe place and Clint is happy that Natasha knows when to say them but he wishes that it was a different situation).

Barney looks at both of them, his eyes guarded but still sad-looking. He feels as though he wants something from both of them, some kinda of anger at him, but instead he gets indignation at the fact that he was forced. At the fact that he had to be a kid. He expected questions, he expected the anger that Clint gave but he never expected this.

 _'Fuck up!'_ He hears his father yell.

 _'Come on sweetheart, come back to bed.'_ He croons, and Barney feels dirty lying next to him.

 _'I can make it so you and your brother stays safe,'_   Sheriff Mills says, _'Just come on and join me like you're supposed to.'_

 _'I can protect Clint by my-fucking-self!'_   Barney, himself, yells. _'I don't need nobody!'_

"Who was it?" Clint asks, his voice gentle as he moves to sit on the couch, Natasha joining him. She looks at him as if he's supposed to join them and Barney does. He doesn't want to disappoint Natasha any more than everything already has.

 _"_ Sheriff Mills, Dad's friend."

Clint swears, loudly and for a moment, Barney is proud of the languages he's picked up, especially the Russian he's getting from Natasha, because it's almost perfect. Natasha smiles at him, then gives Barney's hand a squeeze.

(There are no more questions, no more bringing up the fact that they'll find Barney gripping his head, begging for the pain to stop. They'll not ask why he can calm their own problems, while he can't do so for his own. They'll never question why he moves away from them, separate from them due to the nightmares that come from the trauma of being bonded so young. They don't try to fix him, they don't want to fix him, they just want him to know that they don't blame him, they love him, and they don't want him to think that this changes too much.

Because it does change things, he shows them his off days instead of hiding them. He goes to them for comfort more often then not when he's hurting, and Natasha loves it, she gets to use her ability to feel, to emote, to connect when he needs to lean on her. Clint likes just seeing this part of him, this part that was always hidden. It's not the end though, this just isn't. They've got more secrets hiding in the ductwork, waiting it's turn to come out. He has secrets that he's still hiding from them, things that he won't tell them about until he absolutely has to, things that will hurt them if told.

But he doesn't tell them.

He won't tell them.

Not until the day comes that he has to.

Not until...

Not unless...

He just won't.

He's kept them in his mind for years, kept them hidden in a little box that he will teach them how to create, and he won't let them out.

He won't let anything hurt them, not even himself.

Not unless he has to...).

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are completely welcomed!


End file.
